forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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