The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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