I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tornado booty call.. dedication
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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