sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
