If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
don't judge my taste in strippers
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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