Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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