The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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