I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
