Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
