It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
