Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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