Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
