I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's shark week go big or go home
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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