I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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