Having a random hookup so left but love u
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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