just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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