And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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