I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
