I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
