Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
