Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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