I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
