I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
