She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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