Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize