i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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