dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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