Where did you get a picture of my penis
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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