She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
