I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
is wine microwaveable?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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