Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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