I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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