I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
