I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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