I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
