we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
