i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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