My liver just broke up with me...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I stole a fireplace last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
