I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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