Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
