guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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