I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
