Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
