I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
