i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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