Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
