I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
