Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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