Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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