maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
