alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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