the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
