I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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