he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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