Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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