life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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