Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
