My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
