i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
