when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize