Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
