i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
