Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
