So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
