I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
